Last night was R's first night at the group.
R is back living with her parents, not uncommon for "bipolar" children of "normal" parents to have a second childhood, and a third and sometimes a fourth childhood. A moment of thanks to parents all over the world who put up with their adult children returning to the nest in a state of complete incapacity. Your sacrifice is appreciated and we are duly grateful.
Living at home maybe better than being homeless, sometimes. But please note you drive us CRAZY!!!!!! Being a kid is bad enough first time round but to repeat it, three and four times, is worse.
Sorting out our problems seems to be a national pasttime and a Parental Right. Of course is we did what you said, we'd be fine. But we can't, so stop telling us. I am sure it is great advice, but it doesn't work. If your advice was so great, how comes we turned out the way we have - incapable of looking after ourselves in our mid thirties?????
And why, why, why and this this is one of the worst bits; everytime we get annoyed, show a bit of life, do too much, do anything, get irritated, do you tell us we are going high? I appreciate that if you have middle aged offspring living at home, you want them to sit quietly in a corner. Anything else is a nuisance. I understand that you had not planned to have your retirement blighted by your ageing infants. I understand this and am grateful you put up with us..... but it is just like being a kid again. Too much energy for the status quo.
We have real feelings, real moods and real emotions. Showing them does not mean we are about to go mad. No one likes being told that they can't have emotions. Dont tell us we can't get angry!!! We are angry, furious to be exact. And yes, it is your fault, for not preparing us for life better. Get over it and accept the blame. It is not our fault, so it must be your fault. There are times when we want to kill you for what you have done to us, but we don't. Be grateful you have a retirement
Sometimes it must be worse being a parent and watching your child thrashing around, seemingly unable to help themselves when life seems so clear to you. Sometimes it is worse being the child.
In reality, neither side are managing their moods or emotions. Adult children are worse than their tiny counterparts, a hundred times more annoying and the hope that they will leave home and start their own families has gone. Now you, the parent, can only worry what will happen when you, the parent, are not there to pick up the pieces.
The key to peaceful co existence is calm, tolerance and joy, concentrating on the good bits. Maybe second or third time round, we can all learn to do it differently. Same ingredients, same recipe, same cake. If you want people to behave differently, you have to change what you put into the relationship.
This time round, raise your parents differently, Encourage them when they do something well and patiently explain when they are not doing it right. Help them express their feelings, and encourage them to negotiate their emotions. Read books and talk to people who have well brought up, easy to get on with parents. Even if you feel powerless in the relationship, remain calm and assertive. Ask your friends how they handle their parents. Criticise the behaviour, not the parent. They are doing their best to help. You may have to explain things more than once and in different ways. They are getting old, and you have to make allowances for their age.
And finally remember
You are never too old to have a happy childhood
.
www.lizmiller.co.ukR is back living with her parents, not uncommon for "bipolar" children of "normal" parents to have a second childhood, and a third and sometimes a fourth childhood. A moment of thanks to parents all over the world who put up with their adult children returning to the nest in a state of complete incapacity. Your sacrifice is appreciated and we are duly grateful.
Living at home maybe better than being homeless, sometimes. But please note you drive us CRAZY!!!!!! Being a kid is bad enough first time round but to repeat it, three and four times, is worse.
Sorting out our problems seems to be a national pasttime and a Parental Right. Of course is we did what you said, we'd be fine. But we can't, so stop telling us. I am sure it is great advice, but it doesn't work. If your advice was so great, how comes we turned out the way we have - incapable of looking after ourselves in our mid thirties?????
And why, why, why and this this is one of the worst bits; everytime we get annoyed, show a bit of life, do too much, do anything, get irritated, do you tell us we are going high? I appreciate that if you have middle aged offspring living at home, you want them to sit quietly in a corner. Anything else is a nuisance. I understand that you had not planned to have your retirement blighted by your ageing infants. I understand this and am grateful you put up with us..... but it is just like being a kid again. Too much energy for the status quo.
We have real feelings, real moods and real emotions. Showing them does not mean we are about to go mad. No one likes being told that they can't have emotions. Dont tell us we can't get angry!!! We are angry, furious to be exact. And yes, it is your fault, for not preparing us for life better. Get over it and accept the blame. It is not our fault, so it must be your fault. There are times when we want to kill you for what you have done to us, but we don't. Be grateful you have a retirement
Sometimes it must be worse being a parent and watching your child thrashing around, seemingly unable to help themselves when life seems so clear to you. Sometimes it is worse being the child.
In reality, neither side are managing their moods or emotions. Adult children are worse than their tiny counterparts, a hundred times more annoying and the hope that they will leave home and start their own families has gone. Now you, the parent, can only worry what will happen when you, the parent, are not there to pick up the pieces.
The key to peaceful co existence is calm, tolerance and joy, concentrating on the good bits. Maybe second or third time round, we can all learn to do it differently. Same ingredients, same recipe, same cake. If you want people to behave differently, you have to change what you put into the relationship.
This time round, raise your parents differently, Encourage them when they do something well and patiently explain when they are not doing it right. Help them express their feelings, and encourage them to negotiate their emotions. Read books and talk to people who have well brought up, easy to get on with parents. Even if you feel powerless in the relationship, remain calm and assertive. Ask your friends how they handle their parents. Criticise the behaviour, not the parent. They are doing their best to help. You may have to explain things more than once and in different ways. They are getting old, and you have to make allowances for their age.
And finally remember
You are never too old to have a happy childhood
.
www.moodmapping.com
5 comments:
Very interesting post...however I would like everybody to ask themselves how 'normal' are the parents of 'bipolar' children.... Sometimes they seem to me more "bipolar" than their offsprings....other times I get the feeling that by "underlining" their children's incapacity they are desperatelt thriving to "prove" their own sanity....how sane is that?
I agree!
My mother used to tell me "you are so much nicer on tablets". My father wrote to Dorothy Rowe to ask about the genetics of bipolar disorder and to let her know how I had disrupted a previously normal family.
Bless Dorothy Rowe forever! She wrote back with words to the effect that she had never known anyone with a major mental disorder, who came from a happy balanced family. This demolished arguments based on "everything was fine until you were ill". They were replaced with "I always knew there was something wrong with you, that's why we have had problems".
Having vented my spleen, I believe it is impossible to move on until you come to terms with and learn to forgive your parents. Yes it is hard, and it does sound arrogant but for me at least, the rewards have been beyond belief. SANITY and balance!!!!
Parents do the best they can under the circumstances. No child fully understands what their parents have gone through. It is simply how they were / are. Their behaviour is not personal, even though it feels personal. Parents react to a stimulus, regardless who causes of the stimulus. They do what they do, because that is what they do, not because of you.
No one can change their parents. Parents behave the way they behave. And for the most part, parents try to do their best for their children, even if it doesn't quite work out the way we or they wanted.
Thanks sooo much for this! I wonder, why are we always immediately told that holding someone, like our parents, accountable is a no-no? Why are we almost always immediately told where we get off as soon as we mention our parents maybe behaved slightly problematic towards us during our upbringing? All the while no one seems to have difficulty talking about a "mentally ill" family member to be a problem?? Actually, I don't really wonder. What else can one expect from "the perfect (-ly narcissistic) society" than to look for the fault everywhere else but in its own dysfunctional dynamics?
Luckily, I'm not living "at home" anymore! "At home" in quotation marks since I never felt really "at home" at home... And I'm in the process of forgiving.
I agree - I don't think "mental illness" occurs in a vacuum. There is a taboo against suggesting that parents can do anything wrong, or damage their children in any way - Look at the case of Baby P and the politics around Munchausen by Proxy.
Parents can be damaging! And for me, the most important part of my recovery was forgiving my parents and understanding that they were just who they were. It wasn't personal just how it was.
Forgiveness is the only way forward, followed by gratitude. After all, the events of your life - good and bad, made you who you are, with your insight and your compassion. Without experiencing the other side, you would not have your understanding.
Just coming to terms as to having Bipolar II is having to find ways to understand why it took this long to be diagnosed correctly.
Looking back at my parents I see they too had mental disorders. As I read more and reflect more about the past, I can forgive my parents for being ignorant. Education is a gift to be able to understand what I have and finding the right doctor to help me live with this disorder.
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