Triggers, Warnings and Ghosts in the Machine

As much as anything, this is meant to be an online diary of "bipolar like" experiences. I can no longer claim to have bipolar disorder, as I have been off medication and well for the last seven years. Nonetheless, there are still some ghosts in the machine.

I recently refurbished a flat. And I have been totally incompetent. I have refurbished places before, for my own use, but this was meant to be an investment. And I have been worse at it than anyone you have ever seen on day time TV. Finally the penny has dropped. My difficulties are about jobs and money and what is right to do. I am paralysed by fear. Refurbishing a flat is not a "proper job"! All my major episodes of bipolar disorder have been about a job coming to an end as the contract finished and my fears about getting the next "proper" job.

Identifying Triggers and Warnings is an essential part of managing bipolar disorder. You have to know what Triggers an episode and be able to pick up Warning signs. Triggers, in my case are around jobs, job insecurity and hence money. My Warning signs are spending money, not sleeping, trying to do too much, and in the past, alcohol. At that stage I know that if I cannot get my mood under control, I need to take medication.

If you have bipolar disorder, and you want to keep it under control, you need to know what Triggers an episode. It helps to know why those Triggers cause such massive stress. I come from a medical family yet I did not want to be a doctor. Family life was revolved around medicine, from spending most of Christmas Day visiting the wards where my father was consultant, never seeing him because he was always working, to my choice of A'Levels. The only way to gain respect in our family was to be a successful doctor. A friend of mine plays the piano (beautifully) when she is going high. For her, it is in part about her parents not letting her be a musician and insisting she take a "useful" degree at University.

Refurbishing the flat has triggered ghosts of "you must be a doctor" and "medicine is the only proper job". These are unhealthy beliefs, and I thought I had dealt with them. However my difficulty in finishing this flat is at least partly related to doing something that is not "medical".

Having again dragged this Trigger into the open, I can see how damaging this belief is and am consciously determined once and for all to get rid of it. Unhealthy beliefs are like weeds, if you do not constantly check them, they grow back and start taking over the garden.

Because the subconscious mind only responds to positive commands, I have written in large letters on my noticeboard "EARN MONEY".
I have to FACE THE FEAR and do it anyway. I accept my anxiety around the project is not real fear, I am not going to be killed by an unpainted wall. It is only anxiety. Yes I feel anxious, anxiety is not pleasant but it is only a feeling, an unpleasant mood and it will pass.

If you have a spider phobia and you want to live at peace in a world infested by spiders (the UK has over 600 different types of spider), you have to learn to ignore the anxiety and love spiders. Equally, to EARN MONEY, I have to learn to love the anxiety that goes with not doing a "proper job". There is nothing wrong with feeling frightened, but if you let it frighten you then it will paralyse you. The feeling is there, yet you do not need to indulge it.

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One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."